Dear Gaia,
I am lost in a sea of despair and need your help. I have spent what feels like many lifetimes devoted to a belief in love and compassion for all beings above all else. Until now I have always believed that the depth of our soul cannot be measured (or judged) by what our surface personality says and does, and yet I have allowed myself to become the victim of a painful and emotional wound by the words and actions of someone I deeply loved and admired. I suffer from what feels like an irrevocable injury and I see no apparent relief in sight. All attempts on my part to take responsibility for what has happened has only led to my heaping blame upon others and myself. My heart is broken, my mind is fragmented and what is left of my faith lies in tatters of self-pity. Breathing is difficult and living is worse. Where have love and compassion gone? Without it I have no purpose and without purpose my life is in decay. Please look beyond the drama of these words long enough to share some words of wisdom in this most desperate hour of need.
Name Withheld, Los Angeles, CA
Dearest Heart, Seed of My Beingness, Star of the Bright Heavens,
Love and Compassion are your middle names even if you will not claim them today. You may leave them by the wayside for a time, but you cannot truly abandon that which you are. Love is a universal force of nature; it is an indestructible fabric that stretches across all time and awareness. True love is not simple or deep affection, it is not symbolic worship or adoration, and it is not courtship, sexual desire, romantic pleasure or intense longing. Love is a gift that cannot be returned or exchanged. One can exchange feelings of love, but not love itself. Love is a gift from All That Is to all that is, and for that reason it cannot be removed or separated from that which you are. Love is what you are. Love does not need to be experienced or appreciated in order to be present. It can be shared as long as all concerned understand that they own it in equal measure, at least to the extent that it can be owned. Love is a Universal Law and such it is indestructible.
Now that we have an understanding of what true love is and what it is not, we can begin to consider what it does. The Law of True Love and Compassion is that which heals and completes all things. Love and compassion make whole that which is fragmented and separate from it. All healing modalities, world religions, spiritual movements, and personal beliefs incorporate this Law to the extent that they understand it. When this Law is misunderstood or less understood gaps are created within in its fabric, and these gaps are the black holes in which good intentions and misinterpretations fall day after day, and century upon eon.
As you have managed to remain with the subject at hand without turning away, shutting down or becoming absent from this moment, I will continue with the more difficult aspects of this communiqué that are yet to be discovered. Before you (or anyone else) chose this (or any other) lifetime(s), you gave careful, wise and deliberate counsel to every thought and experience that you might perceive within and throughout this lifetime. Your mind may feel clouded today, but your soul's perspective is very aware of the experiences and choices you are making.
Humankind chooses lifetimes upon earth in order to discover the true meaning of Love. The only way to discover True Love is through its experience. True Love's greatest teacher is its very own opposite, which is not hate. Hate is an aspect of passion; in its most refined derivation it cannot be considered a true emotion. Hate evokes feelings and elicits reactions of intense anger, hostility or animosity, but it is not the feelings themselves. The opposite of love is differentiation and separation. That which sees, believes and understands itself as outside or separate from itself cannot experience itself as Itself or love as True Love. At best, it sees a mirror-like reflection, which is tantamount to what it is not. Experiences upon earth reveal what you are not so that you can discover what you are. The difficult part is remembering that human experience is an inverted reality designed to represent an illusion, not a reality.
Your sorrow and sadness have led you to believe that an unjust cosmic joke has been played upon you, but that is not so. Creator's sense of humor is compassionate, not vindictive. Hidden within the trauma of this experience is the gift of discovering an aspect of your purpose, which is to realize that trauma is unnecessary and irrelevant. Trauma does not bring growth, but lack of growth can bring trauma. I do not expect you to see the gift in this experience now, but when the salt has washed away all of the tears that stand in its way, you will welcome the gift as it was intended, because no distortion will prevent it. You are disillusioned by life, which is an uncomfortable place to be, but within the discomfort is a place that knows that you stand upon a threshold that leads to your true self and your true purpose, which is to be the radiant expression of the Law of True Love and Compassion as it was meant to be.
An illusion is a mistaken belief, identity or ideal that is tightly held. Illusions deceive the senses, especially the visual ones wherein the stimuli seems to be objectively present, thereby representing a physical rather than a spiritual cause. Illusions are powerful because they are taken at face value by the mind, which believes they exist when in truth they do not; they appear as one thing, when in fact, they are another. The mind is capable of being deceived by distorted illusions, but the heart is not. That is why you cannot always trust your thoughts, but you can always depend upon your feelings. Disillusion is the undermining and destruction of beliefs that no longer support or uphold you. To be disillusioned is to beyond the influence of illusion. Taken from this perspective it is not a bad place to find oneself.
A belief is an acceptance by the mind that something is true or real, often underpinned by an emotional or spiritual sense of certainty, but are you certain of anything today? A belief is a confidence that someone or something is good and will therefore be good to you, but are you confident today? A belief is a statement, principle or doctrine that is accepted or adopted as true, but are you prepared to do so today based upon what you know? A belief is a firm and considered opinion, especially one that involves faith, but how solid is your faith this day? Humanity has bound its beliefs into a unified system; an organized collection or set of beliefs that have become commonly associated with community and society, but this characterization is not authentic and it is no longer valid. You are being asked to stand beyond (not apart) the false ideas, conceptions and beliefs concerning yourself and humanity. You are being asked to be love and compassion rather than a mere reflection of it or a belief in it. Would it be unkind to say that you could not have invited this experience without first suffering its lack?
Universal Laws are easily understood, but experiencing them is another matter altogether. Universal Laws are called such because they apply to everyone and everything in the universe. They do not apply here, but not there, to this one, but not that one, in this case, but not the other, this time, but not next time. They exist beyond humanity's good or bad opinion of them; they are, just as you are. You cannot disobey a Universal Law and they do not seek your obeisance. On the other hand, attempting to live outside Universal Law has certain consequences, which include misplaced devotion, listlessness, distraction by common or uncommon stimuli, and excessive sentimentality. Humanity calls this Karma.
The general definition of karma includes a philosophy in which the quality of current, and future lives is determined by the behavior in this and previous lives, in other words, fate and destiny influence and contribute to experience. But if that is the case, where is the ability to transcend one's past, present or future? Such a narrow interpretation demands that having learned the lesson or gained the experience, one will still be forced to live a fate that is no longer appropriate. Would Infinite Spirit be so vague and merciless?
Perhaps dharma can best answer this question, which simply put, is the truth about the way things are the way they are in the universe. Dharma explains the perfection of non-perfection, or better put, the righteousness of discovering reality through the path of illusion. Dharma stimulates goodwill by activating mercy, grace and compassion. Dharma releases karma's hold upon you once you rescind your vested interest in walking the karmic path. Mercy and charity are the kindness that your soul shows to you once you have forgiven yourself for perceived transgressions whose premise was false to begin with. It is a welcome event and cause for celebration. Mercy is said to be the throne of God in heaven, can it not be your throne as well? Charity is the willingness on the part of your soul to be impartial, tolerant and non-judgmental of all thought, deed and action. Can you ask the same of yourself by acknowledging that there is no separation between you and your soul other than the perception you hold?
By way of divine choice you could not have chosen another path that was not this one, because this is the path you have followed lifetime upon lifetime by your own admission. It is the path that understands pain by suffering, experiences reality by submerging into illusion, defines abundance by seeking prosperity, and searches for love where calcified hearts dream of wakefulness. All (not some) of your experiences have brought you to this threshold of awareness. Whether or not you will cross this chasm will now be discovered.
Self-inflicted wounds are often the most difficult to bear and such is the case with this one. Before you twist the knife any further, ask yourself this question: 'Who am I?' and if the answer is anything less than, 'the Light of All That Is manifest as a human being' continue to ask the same question until you receive that answer or until all time and awareness cease, for only then will you understand that you are equal to the question. The cure for the wound is in both the question and the answer. There is no other remedy for an affliction of this magnitude. With love and compassion, I therefore offer you a near lethal dose by placing a cosmic mirror before you in the form of these words. Look in the mirror dearest and avert not your eyes. Is it despair that you still see reflected in the mirror, or has it transformed into truth? Do you see the dagger of death or the cup of life?
The only antidote for this type of poison is life itself. Combined with love it is the only substance that can counteract the effects of such a toxin. Poison is a severe and harmful substance that causes illness, injury or death if it is accepted at face value. It is a powerful, destructive and corrupting force, and an insidious one at that. Poisons have been know to diminish or delay the activity of a catalyst; therefore know that any attempt to 'band-aid' or cordon-off your pain will be to no avail. Likewise, anger, hostility and guilt are no match for this form of spiritual poison that incapacitates your heart, brings distrust to your soul and threatens your very existence.
You have no weapon with which to fight, and yet you have no other choice than to combat the unpleasant and abusive place you find yourself in. I offer you no solace, for it is wisdom that you have requested instead, and that you will find here in great measure. 'Who am I? Who AM I? WHO AM I? WHO AM I?' You are a bodhisattva upon both earth and heaven. You are enlightenment worthy of nirvana were it not that love and compassion for the earth and for humanity currently prevent it. In your body and in this world you will remain until you choose to transcend suffering and see it for the illusion that it is. You will walk a path that is free of ignorance and prejudice and you will share that path with many others. You are not attached to this world, but you are bound to it by promise. You have inflicted a grave and life-threatening wound upon yourself; now let us see to its healing and repair. Rest in the comfort of angels, dear, your path is a long one, but you are in good company and time passes quickly. Peace, harmony and joy all await you when you are ready.
Dear Readers,
You may have noticed that the name of the person who asked this difficult question was withtheld. It has always been my policy to respect the desires and wishes of those who bear their souls to Mother Earth, but Gaia has asked me to break that promise this time, and to reveal the name of the questioner because it serves a greater purpose. I thought long and hard on this because the right to personal privacy is an important one, but after careful consideration and good amount of emotional anguish, I agreed.
It was I who posed this difficult question as a chapter of my life was closing behind me in one of the most difficult ways one can choose. "Why does it have to be this way," I asked myself time and time again, but no answer was forthcoming. As my sorrow intensified, the flood of tears soon became a downpour of despair. With no let-up in sight the torrent continued until I began to crumble into something almost unrecognizable. Alone on the floor I began to hyperventilate. Curled up in a fetal position, my breath was shallow and too rapid. In a condition of organic anxiety my body attempted to dump all of the toxic feelings it was holding. On an emotional level this hurrying to release was extremely unhealthy for me and very injurious to my emotional body, because it created an imbalance in my body's ability to respond to excess. On a physical level it was dangerous, because hyperventilating causes the body to lose too much carbon dioxide. This, in turn, promotes faintness, which is the condition I was about to enter.
As I entered this semi-conscious state I found that I was willing to remain there rather than gasping for the air that would return me to full consciousness. In an altered awareness I became both a participant and a witness to my experience. Somewhere within me I realized that if I was not careful I would inadvertently push myself beyond my body's ability to retain its physical integrity, in other words, I knew that I could die. Still, there was a part of me that wanted to do just that. Haven't we all wished it at some time or another? Here was my opportunity to do so easily and righteously, I thought. I can't begin to tell you how tempting an experience this was.
While I was not so carefully considering my options, I traced the circuitous route of my body's meridians and explored all of the energetic entry and exit points within the body. I located the most aware and least aware places within me with detached amusement as the observer within me made mental notes of a probable exit point. From what seemed like opposite directions I could here two distinct voices. One was the voice or impulse of my guardian angel gently explaining to me that I had clearly not chosen to abandon my body via this experience. "The world does not need another martyr", she said, "but it does need you". I smiled at her, but found her words somewhat nebulous and almost silly. To me, the choice seemed a simple one. On the one hand was sorrow, pain and suffering, while on the other hand was what seemed to be ecstasy at best, and release from density at the very least. The other voice I heard was that of my dear friend telling me that I had to breathe and that I was scaring her to no end. When I refused to listen to her she spoke to my heart, to my soul and even to Gaia on my behalf.
It's hard to describe what happened next, but I'll try. At some point my present life seemed to merge with many of my other lives, especially the ones that in any way resembled or identified with this experience. I saw the irrelevance of my immediate decision in the scheme of the things, but I also saw the relevance and purpose of my life. I knew that there was only one choice I could make that supported my truth. I willed myself back into my body and heard my friend as if for the first time. She was gently instructing me on how to breathe, offering herself as my spiritual midwife. Strange how quickly and easily I had already forgotten how. Our beingness naturally exists within the cosmic breath, but our body remains one dense step behind this ability, at least for now.
Relating to you how much my body ached when I returned to it only approximates the severity of the experience. Although I have never boxed, I imagined I felt like a fighter who had gone too many rounds in a fight that should have been stopped long ago. Every cell in my body admonished me for my insolent behavior concerning my physical and emotional wellbeing. It was certainly not the welcome wagon I would have hoped for. I was surprised that my teeth, gums, and jaw hurt most of all, but I have since discovered that we store our most deep-seated emotions here. Our teeth have "roots" after all, and our wisdom teeth (which we mostly remove today) have some of the deepest roots of all.
Bed rest and sleep does not come easy to me, but my body demanded it and I succumbed. The next day I entered another semi-conscious state of awareness, but this one was more like a meditation. In my altered state and transfigured body I seemed to be transported to the Himalayas where I was set down upon a soft rug. I found myself in the company of five very gentle beings who I assumed where simple yogis or humble monks. They inquired as to my health and I found myself sheepishly telling them what I had done. I did not defend my actions but the temptation to do so was strong.
They listened patiently with what felt like reverential devotion and loving compassion. They did not reprimand me as I thought they would. Instead, they reminded me how wise I was to have made the decision to return to my body in order to serve its purpose. They also asked me never to attempt such a feat again, be it in wisdom or worry. They reminded me that our bodies are very resilient, but should not be treated with blatant disregard. In my stupor I had come to believe that I was doing my body a favor, releasing it from its burdensome obligation. They told me that time would heal my sorrow and devotion would heal my despair. I didn't believe them, but I liked the soft tone of their words just the same. I heard myself promise that I would never again place my body in such low standing and before long I found myself back in my own bed awake and hungry.
A few days after my partial recovery I found myself relapsing again. My mind would not release me from my painful ordeal and nothing seemed to satisfy it. It forced me to replay the hurt and the pain over and over again. My mind owned me, and try as I might, I could not release myself from the drama that demanded I remain an unwilling participant. In anguish I thought, I can't go on like this much longer, it's not like I'm Mother Theresa, or something. Innterestingly enough, Mother Theresa paid me a visit that same afternoon. I have communed with her from time to time when my spirits have been low, so I was not altogether surprised when she showed up. She looked upon me with compassion when I would have preferred pity and she said, "You are me because I am you. You are every Mother and every Theresa and every saint and every Saint Theresa that has ever been. Without you, it is I who am purposeless, not the other way around. Think on these words and on the gentle ones that I now offer. You have two sons whom you deeply love and in them a great future lies in wait. Would you see them forgiven or punished? Would you offer them compassion or judgment, insight or defeat? Think well upon your answer and say it not to me, but to them, for the depth of your ability to love and offer compassion lies not in this moment but in their future. Offer to others, then, what you would see the world offer to your own sons."
I felt unfairly cornered by a truth I could not refute, but the words had spoken with a love that I am not yet bold enough to call my own. My sons are my passion and in them I see Gaia's future securely nestled and safe. They and their generation of brave and creative companions will champion Gaia without the need to fight. Their light is like a golden torch and their hearts are already wise. I breathed deeply, fully and compassionately for the first time in days. I slept again and I dreamed that I had traded in my damaged heart for a healed one. I would like to be able to tell you that I am fine now, but it's still a little too soon for that.
I am sure that you can understand my hesitation in sharing this experience with anyone outside a very small and intimate circle of friends; it is not a moment that I take great pride in. Several times a month, however, clients and friends remark upon how fortunate and charmed my life seems to them. I do not deny this, and I am grateful for the gifts that have been entrusted to me, but I am also just like you. My path has been one of joy and sorrow, learning and teaching, laughing and crying. My life has been as carefully laid out by my soul as yours has by your own soul. If I choose to believe that I am special, than I must first acknowledge that you are as well, and if you will acknowledge my gifts then you must also acknowledge your own. The only way to mastership is through stewardship. Hand in hand the kingdoms of earth will lead us to the kingdoms of heaven.
May I see myself reflected in your eyes daily and behold the beauty of All That Is that is also you.
With Deepest Affection,
Pepper
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